2721

Late night, year long update.

2008-08-07T08:11:20Z

Yep I'm here, purposely stretching your friend's page. It's been a little under a year since the last time I updated this. I still read everyone's journal at least once a week. I would make this late night update on my site, but if you read it you should know that for some reason I can't log into in from my house. It is strange, like the IP address from this location is blocked without me knowing. Anyways, I never feel completely comfortable righting how I feel there because I consider it less personal than you, livejournal.
So whats happened in the last year?

To anyone packing and going away to the great unknown, also know as college, go into it with the most open mind, I swear it will pay off in the long run. It is a sensory overload, and there are so many new people. It doesn't matter if you are in the middle of no where or in the city, there will always be something to do. If there isn't, make something out of no where.
Don't be afraid to talk to strangers. There is a lot of shifts in friendships that first few months, but don't let that be the one thing to stop you from talking to someone. Don't automatically latch onto the people that are most like you, explore, that is what it is for. Go walk around and don't come back until 3 in the morning.
All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy. I have run into so many people who automatically think because I go to an art school all I do is draw and basically have no classes. It is one of the few preconceived notions when meeting me that anger me.

LOOK AT THAT, THAT IS MY SCHEDULE NEXT SEMESTER, 3 hours basically for each class, and my mondays are saved for interships. Never bitch about the fact that you have class from 10AM to 4PM when I have class 11AM to 9:30PM.... Anyways. I love my major, I love what I do and I invest so much time and effort into my work that there have been so many times where I haven't seen friends outside of school for weeks. Then I become so spiteful and bitchy that I can't even stand myself. Then after getting dragged off campus by a friend, I realized I had a chip on my shoulder that fell off. Give 100% of what you can to your studies but know that your life can't be all about the textbook/Computer Lab.

Don't be afraid to have an escape. I am lucky, two of my best friends go to a School just a 10 minute train ride away. My future roommate loves dance clubs (in the best way), I've got a crazy obsession with concert photography so I had numerous escapes. Hell, all of brooklyn (with the exception of east new york, I don't mess with east new york) was my escape, and I met so many people, formed so many friendships, learned so many things, found so much music. I started to perfect my craft as a concert photographer ( I've been published, just got signed to an agency and am looking to hear from another one, one of my photos is on vinyl for fucks sake) and I've got so much more to go. You just can't be afraid to get up and get on a train, or a cab, or something and go somewhere alone. It is amazing.
Don't be afraid to get hurt, don't be afraid to get frustrated, don't be afraid to have a nervous breakdown, don't be afraid to have a fling, don't be afraid to stumble back from a rave 5 in the afternoon the day after, don't be afraid to change. I went to a school with no one from my graduating class and one (best) friend. I got the chance to start over and I don't regret ANY of it. I learned so much, and still have so much to go. I can understand why people think college is the best years of you life, but I feel like it is only the start.

I've changed so much.
I love my life so much more.
Be honest, and if you are unhappy just change.
Smile, you're breathing.

Be a good person and start commenting on http://www.elaanisvital.com/blog/. Tell your friends about it too.

MY WEBSITE

2008-01-19T19:21:30Z

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small post

2007-10-04T05:10:57Z

For Colette:

I saw PATRICK WOLF tonight, I can finally start life.
More pictures later at:
http://www.flickr.com/photos/2721rollsofkodak/
or
http://elaanvital.blogspot.com/

I'm moving

2007-09-24T00:21:04Z

To coenside my college experience, I'm going to stop using this journal so much, and try out blogspot.
So:

http://elaanvital.blogspot.com/
try it out. Its just as meaty.

0130

2007-09-11T23:59:55Z

, originally uploaded by iamxsoxtrendy.

Its definitely been one of those days.

I've got to say, I'm in the biggest gray area of my life. I'm apprehensive to call it a depression, I don't think I've gotten to that status yet. I don't know what its yet, I can't put my finger on it because it is such a combination of everything just hitting me. It is the ghost of a fucked up relationship toward the end of the summer, its the fact that I'm no longer a child and have all this freedom at my disposal. It is the fact that I couldn't be the optimistic one for so long, and the fact that I'm so tense/ stressed. I'm questioning my worth of a person, and if I was wrong by thinking I am/was a good person. Its not the city, its not my school because its more than I could have asked for. I'm so lucky by having the chance to go here. I've met so many amazing people, and its hard to make new friends, but it is everywhere when you first go to college as a first year. I just feel so raw, so fucking vulnerable, and instead of finding the answers in myself like I should, I'm looking to other people for validation... I'm looking for the validation in all the wrong people. I do my work, and I do it well, I go out and I have fun. I've got all of these possibilities at my fingertips, but yet I sit here, with the biggest lump in my throat because I need a good cry so badly. I just need a certain type of friend to do what I do for others. I need someone to sit down and tell me that everything will be okay, and that it is just a phase, because no matter how much I tell myself this, I can't quite believe it.

-I've drank more in the last two weeks, that I have all summer.
-Tom Waits' “Waltzing Matilda” is the only song that seems to make sense.
-I was chosen to be a event photographer for the CMJ music festival. AKA. Nikon D200 with a new lens and new flashes.
-I might do “Fashion U” again, granted acceptance.
-There are so many good shows happening this fall, it is almost surreal.
-I lost someone who might have been a good friend, possibly two friends.
-My classes are somewhat challenging. I know I'll learn so much this year.
-Someone said the cruelest things to me, worse than the stuff my father has said. It isn't as though I care whether or not someone likes me, I just don't understand why someone would be so mean to me. I think that is my issue. I know I should leave him alone, I know I have to leave him alone. I don't want him back, I couldn't do that to myself again..I shouldn't have that kind of person in my life. I'm just desperately looking for a friend in him, and hating myself in the process. And I don't know how to say goodbye to someone who has that so much of me. I think I lost a large part of myself in the relationship.
-My body issues are coming back full forse.
-My grandmother is in the hospital.
-I like my roommates.
-I smoke far too much and got my monroe done.
-AND I SAW FUCKING FALL OUT BOY FOR FREE with Carly AT FUSE. Look for us at your tv screens this friday (september 15th?)

I don't know what I'm aiming for, maybe some type of relief. Some escape from my thoughts. All that I've got to think about its a series of 'why's plaguing my thoughts. I just want some peace, I want to find that something I've been looking for the last 18 or so years.

EDIT

SO just said my situation out loud to some of my roommates... I feel so much better. I think I'll be okay. In the span of two hours from posting, I met some lovely people, chain smoked, vented, and now know that... that if he (you ALL know who i'm talking about) doesn't "like me" its okay. I know I'll be fine. What happened today was a total and complete break from who I am. I know what kind of person I am, and he does too. So he can warp me as much as he wants in his head, one day it will hit him that I wasn't all bad. And I can justify all his actions in my head as long as I want, but one day (I think it was today) I'll know that no one can treat me like shit. But for now, I've really got to just distance myself from all of that, or I end up just... gray. Though I love the color, I hate the feeling.

0128

2007-08-21T05:29:40Z

As I'm walking to my dorm from the subway from my journey to the apple store, I can't help but notice the irony of my Ipod. Its beginning to pour and "Looks Just Like the Sun" By broken Social Scene comes down. Oh! How. Lovely.
Did I mention that I'm in college. Yeah, I live in Manhattan. I, Elaan, go to FIT now, I go to one of the best design schools in the nation. Its sounds good to say, it is even better to read.
I feel bad for not making an end of summer post, though it is still here (but the fact that I'm personally in school, summer is over for me) its dwindling. I'm afraid that I'm going to ramble, so let me just convey the random thoughts that are in my head.
Things that I know will happen to me in college:
I will end up liking dance music like "Girl Talk", "MSTRKRFT", "Junior Senior" and "Gravy Train" a lot, in fact, way too much. I will go to clubs that will consider those artist, and artist like them, favorites. I will then have my picture taken at these clubs/ shows/ parties and posted on the internet. It will look as though i am "fucked up" all the time, and that will be a bold face lie... I'll be fucked up only half of the time.
This jeans and tee phase i've been in for close to three years will die a gruesome death. I'm going to a school where fashion is the first word. It doesn't help that I not-so secretly long for better clothing (though i have some pretty nice items right now), and know far too little/much (odd?) about fashion My inner styling beast will come out raging in the next few months, which brings me to my next point:
I will be broke/poor 80% of the time, which will most likely be to due the fact that fashion and art supplies will be my new vice. It will cause my mother to cry when she sees my account statements, and the amount of clothes i'll have to bring home in May.
It you thought I was an asshole now, wait untill November. I will undoubtedly rub everyone the wrong way, and might give off the strongest "cocky" vibe on the east coast... maybe.
I will start to reference too many obscure things, so that no one can have a normal conversation with anyone... other than a human encyclopedia/pop culture master. I will most likely make you feel very small, and be full of utter and complete shit.
I will end up reading more books now than i have in two years. Not to say that i don't read now, I read roughly two books every month (which is due to constant interruptions) but i now know the wonders of reading on the subway.
I will know a ridiculous amount of people, but only make three to four new friends. New York is the kind of city that shuns you if you don't have a certain personality, thus why people think we (I say we because you automatically get lumped in with people from "the city" as soon a you cross state boundries) are seen as cold. But if you give off some vague sense of confidence, which unknown to me, i seem to do, people will talk and form "mock relationships" with you. These simple relationships will be based on compliements and trying to get something out of the other person. Because i know this, I will use it to my full advantage, but will also draw a clear and distinct line between friends and, foe-friends.
I might grow to hate men, just because New York men as so goddamn forward. Though it has worked in the past, (i.e. the relationship/idunnowhatsgoingon-thing I'm in now) most of the men who do approach me are NOT AT ALL what i'm looking for. However, no matter how many time I say "I'm taken", "I'm not interested" or "I've got a horrible case of crabs", they try even HARDER. It will also lower my self-esteem, instead of doing the standard boost. I'll end up dreading the complements, looking forward to growing older and wrinkly, lastly never consider myself attractive.
In reality, I don't think I'll change too much. I just hope to gain a better concept of self (how. fucking. chiche.)

So lets give you what you want: Pictures. Lots and Lots of Pictures I hate when I fail to update for too long or go to too many events and not update. it gets to be too much awesome in one post.

Its taken me two days to make this post because i don't understand livejournal on my Mac yet (my lovely new shiny mac book pro). So with my spare time, my roommates and i went in search for "W" Sept 2007 issue because as you SHOULD know, most fashion magazines Sept. issue are basically fabulous text books. Anyways, after failing to find it at Rite Aid and CVS we desided to walk toward borders, and who do we run into:

Tunde Adebimpe of Tv on the Radio fame.
Life is going to be really good.

To be honest I'm a little scared. Though i am the calm-est I've been in months, large aspects of my life are in shambles and missing pieces. i don't know where i stand in my relationship, I've yet to say goodbye to so many people, I don't know if I have the talent to be here, and my mental/body issues aren't quite resolved. The next few months will definately test me, but i am ready... I am so uttery ready.

0127 (delete text... maybe?)

2007-07-31T16:58:41Z

A lot of unessary posing ahead

There was a point yesterday while laying in bed listening to the breathing of someone else and watching The Hills Have Eyes, that I thought that the past four days could very well be some of the best of my life. That it was going to have to take a lot to bring me down from floating, and that it was about time that I felt good for a chance. That finally I was allowing myself to be happy, and by doing this, all these positive things were occurring.
Then 1:00 AM this morning hit.

So what have I been doing for the last couple of days, eh? Friday was simple. I woke up and for some reason it felt that everyone was asking to see me, which is always a good feeling. Ended up in Hewlett bonding with Haley, then in Hempstead to buy dresses and a nice pair of boots. Wound up outside a house, and had idol chit chat, came home. Left soon after, saw the WORSE MOVIE OF MY ENTIRE LIFE aka, I Know Who Killed Me with Michele and Carly. Drove around for hours after, and ended up sitting in front of a dunken dounuts surrounded by boys/mean with plugs… except for one. Saturday was exhausting I woke up at Michele’s and came home rather early, and made up for all the lost hours of sleep. Woke up, cleaned as usually, ended up following my mother to Bronx to visit family, and left with a pineapple cake that I kept on calling coconut. Managed to get out of the Bronx solo and went to Elmont. Crashed some random queens party, left soon after, went to a block party, left soon after. Visited Chris at work and listened to him rant. I drove to Hempstead to spend 12:00AM with the twin and ended up being the only sober person in the room. Came home and whispered something in my mother’s ear. Fell asleep, woke up and magically became 18! Now here is when it gets good, Sunday. Wake up to find out my father took my car. Get a ride to Michele’s from… Michele. Wait around, debating to see TV on the Radio. Decided to go with less the intended amount of people wanted. Now all day I’m a little upset because…well, I wanted everyone I cared about minus the family with me, and everyone had some reason (some legit) to not come. Anyways, get there wearing Holly’s undersized hoodie. The show continues. By the time that TVOTR gets on, everything is worth it. Get back on the island, go out to eat, get home soon after, but way to early. I guess I just floated around, talked on the phone, slept. Monday, I stayed in my Pjs and had a visitor who made me extremely happy to alive. Though I hate people who post about their days in length like, well like I just did, it is hard to describe how happy I was.

So what happened at 1:00AM?

I’m pretty sure I’ve mentioned that I’ve lied to everyone I know in the journal, and it’s a horrible habit. I’m the type of liar that over exaggerates minor details. And to be honest, I can’t remember how often I do it. It is usually when I put myself on the spot in conversation. I ended up feeling bad about it soon after, but never too bad because I have never suffered the consequences. I’m a pretty sincere person (overall…) and a damn good friend. I never once question the notion of me being a good person, because I know I am. Anyways, one of those lies, which ended up being the first I’ve told in a while, (a slip, I was too busy being happy to stop myself from being stupid) and most likely the first lie I’ve told this person (I say most likely because I don’t trust my memory) came back to bite me. It was one of those “you put someone else down to make yourself feel better” lies. Now, I’ve never been caught in a lie, ever, so when this happened, I just kind of gave in, no games, no digging a hole for myself but I still (as I still should) feel horrible because I can’t help but feel (though I’ll never know) like something really bad happened as a result. And I’m sorry to everyone involved. I think I’m missing an essential part of my brain when I can see that everything I might do, even small, could affect someone in a big way. I have this odd version of being upset, unlike what I’ve been feeling because this is deserved. Whatever I get I warrant, but I just want to know if everything will be okay, or if I’ll be written off as a liar.

0126

2007-07-11T19:43:45Z

In case you forgot what I looked liked.

The only way I can describe the lump in my throat is.. Unwanted. I feel so unwanted by EVERYONE (actually, I think Yami is the only person who wants me around, so I take that back.). Half of it is my fault, I go missing for long periods to the people who would actually want me around. But for the people I wish would call on me, they never do. Its not just one person (though one in particular…well) and that is what kills me. The sense that you are just this novelty, and not a permanent fixture. I don’t want to have to come up with all the plans, I don’t want to have to make all the effort and I don’t want to be left in the dark. Just don’t even bother telling me about what happened at a certain time if you plan on NEVER letting me take part of it.

Contrast alert

I’ve been doing so many things solo as of late, and for the first time, I just wish someone was around to you know, be with me for the sake of being with me. It could all be in my head, but I’m really tired of accepting all the blame for everything. After so many years, you think I’d give myself permission to be mad at others.

So what has been happening since my last update:

Just a lot of things have been falling apart. I have no one set group of friends and just float around and it is really getting to me. I’ve been acting like a bum, and feeling really needy I avoid talking about everything like college, my body, and mostly relationships. My dreams (at night) are now just a series of nightmares, and I haven’t been creative in so long. Yes I am in a huge slump, you can even say a little depressed. But since I can’t depend on anyone to you know, try and make me happy, I have to fix this by myself… I could just be too lazy and let it get worse.

It could be worse. The new interpol is really good, and I have a tan. I lost some more weight and siren fest is soon… plus my birthday is coming up. yeah!

EDIT

So how do you get to this point? You messed up, your subconscious fears come to the full front, and with the help of illegal substances, you completely lost touch of reality and are thoroughly convinced that everyone is lying to you. But this is the deal, there is only one person around, so you take it out on him. And the voices, oh the voice are coming from the walls, from the windows. And all you want is to be held, and to calm down, but no one is willing to hold you, and the chemicals swimming in your brain refuse to allow to take a deep breath. So you get asked “why do you do this, why do you get so crazy?” And you come up with these bullshit excuse. However the truth is that you have NO IDEA, and resent them for asking. Actually you resent them because you are expected to deal with all their issues and insecurities, and if you ask them to improve you are trying to change their personality, you are being controlling. All you could hope for is that when you ask them to sit down when you’re at your worse, they’ll sit down with no question because they can SEE how freaked out you are. They know that it’s not in the normal for you to act that way, and yet they speak to you with such a harsh undertone, with such distain. And even though you should be livid because they didn’t call to make sure you got home safe, or to even think that saying “calm down” would actually, magically make it so, you are sorry. You are so sorry, and you HATE yourself for feeling so. Once again, you are the first person to try and make contact. You are the first person to say something in the morning, and you get no response you blame it on the fact that they might be sleeping. So you wait two hours, still no response, well they might have gotten home late. 4 hours, maybe their phone is charging. You find another way to make contact, come to find out, their just ignoring you, again. So what do you do, you want to make things better, but can’t do it by yourself because there is more than one person involved. But at the same time, you want to yell at them with all the energy left in your body. That maybe, just maybe, their behavior at this point can actually, you know, cause you to freak out. Who are they to get upset when you show imperfection (when they would hate it if you pulled the same shit)?

And you wonder if they are sick to their stomach.
And you wonder if they actually meant it when they said they missed you.
And you wonder if they only want you for the physical.
And you wonder if they ever really liked you.
And you wonder why they don’t try to talk to you.
And you wonder if they think you are under their control.
And you wonder how you became so insecure.
And you wonder if they even think about how you feel, when all you can do is worry about them.
And you wonder if they lose sleep.

Something is wrong babe. You need to be no so judgmental when I freak out. We’ve both got some issues, but don’t get pissed when my issues are exposed. When you do that, it makes it so much harder to believe you. Just stop getting so mad at me, and just hold me when I get “crazy”.

0125

2007-06-08T05:24:49Z

Juxtaposition

So, the beginning of summer, end of spring is in full affect, and i am here typing away at livejournal. But lets be fair right, it is only a Thursday night, and most kids on long island are still in school/ at work right now, so who am I to expect that things are "off and popin" right? It is just that, for the last few days i have had no mode of transportation, and it is amazing how much you feel like you fall of the face of the earth (because, you know, long island is all that matters) when you can't drive. I find myself slipping into the spoiled brat phases of anger, but GOD this house is too much to bare sometimes. More than two days consecutively in these walls are just too much for me to handle and i just become angry. It is so apparent that I have some issues. Plus I figured out that i have developed into the type of person who hates to talk on AIM (plus my keyboard keeps on messing up) and can only stand to be on the phone after 10 PM. There is just something about talking to someone face-to-face that just makes me feel... calm. So besides some lunches with some friends, and now visits from "the dude", I am pretty much left to my own devices (which is the worse thing ever because i end up hating everything about me *I'm in a "you can't create/draw/ take pictures of anything so why are you going to art school" phase*). I am noticing that this is nothing more than a rant. I am growing an addiction to facebook, I find myself constantly wearing dresses, and now exclusively listen to female singers.
So what’s new:
I graduated, which is the biggest relief of all (not that i was in jeopardy). It is just something so relaxing about leaving a place that you hate. Now that is not to say that I did not have my fair share of good times, it was more of a matter of needed to move on. I cried because I now have a new open door, and that chapter, that four years, is finished. It is also odd knowing that i am going to college when so many before me, family member wise, haven't hit that goal yet. So when the slide remarks of minorities going to college creep its way into conversations I find myself thinking "I am one of the first, if not the first out of the first generation in my family to go to college, so fuck you very much”
I am noticing that this is not at all in my writing style and I'm a little freaked out.

I've got to stop doing close ups like this

The least flattering picture of Michele I have ever taken.
There is no where to go but up from this one

I cannot look decent in the morning, or rock these bangs I try so hard to hide

The lighting in this makes me cream

Notice how Erica and Sara are have the exact same pose.

I wish I had a better lens

The levels are so odd

homeroom

The only teacher i cried over

this shot makes me love my camera

So what else,
Oh! I am someone's girl again. And you know what, everyone is right, I never stopped being his girl despite what happened, what title i chose to put on us, or what i tried so hard to make myself believe. I never stopped acting like we weren't something, and it was so clear that the "just friends" angle could never work. But now that question seems to wiggle its way into our conversations, what to do when August comes. The thing is that prior to this, i knew what i was going to do, but now that he is factored into the equation, I have no clue what to do, and hope I can make the right choice. Scary, isn't it?
Anything else?

even bums can look nice, just for one day

the future of tech

this picture is so good!

If i wanted to, in two months I could walk to this chicks dorm

I have such an odd face, and by odd i mean ugly

This is every type of wrong, ever

I know he was our glow tape, I KNOW IT!

36 days

I have no clue why he likes me

well, I'm happy. I wish/feel that these friendship situations will get better. I’ll try not be so out of it, and will be able to feel comfortable for once. I want it to be hard to leave, and I crave new people to find a way into my thoughts. yeah, so, yeah...

0124

2007-05-13T18:30:00Z

So I’ve spent a good amount of time trying to find a photo to open this entry, but there isn’t even one that comes close to summing up everything.

There are no words to describe all the drama that has taken place over the week. It is so funny because prior to all of this i was considered a dramatic personality. But in reality i was the one who observed all the fights, tears and whatnot. In the end I learned from everyone's situations, formed my own opinions, and made decisions based upon other people's actions.

However, this is a whole different ball park. I've cried too much, and haven't shed a tear. I've found comfort in left over bottles from people who have long gone. I have learned to dread the phone calls that ultimately let me sleep at night. I've been threaten my friends, and seen those friends cry over my actions. I've check my phone numerous times for text messages that are non-existent. The only music that I can withstand is Amy FUCKING Winehouse, and I HATE the fact that the music actually applies. I've been held my so many people, and brought one to his knees. I've gone from being a tease, to completely under the will power of the next. I've had the loveliest words whispered into my ears, but the one statement, the one fact that there is no way that I will leave in August without my heart in utter shambles seems to be the only thing that matters. I've had the cold realization that I am leaving those halls, and if i had to do it all over again... I wouldn't. People have stated how much they'll miss this, how much me. And if i here one more confession... my god, no more confessions. My body cannot handle all of this, and to make things even worse, I cannot handle my own body.

So what is a seventeen year old girl to do? I refuse to ignore the multiple elephants in the room. I am sure I’ll be fine, I just wish everything didn’t have to be such a struggle, such a goddamn struggle.

0123

2007-05-06T20:35:24Z

, originally uploaded by iamxsoxtrendy.

Whatamidoing, whatamidoing, whatamidoning.
I am completely rattled.
This side that I’ve been showing for the last three or so weeks, this completely venerable side is disgusting me. No words can describe the amount of self loathing I’ve put myself through (this is ironic because I despise any type of self loathing or pity one may exhibit). It is just that I cannot afford to do this, and I am waiting for the full blown impact of my actions, of our actions, to come just so I can fully fall apart. So answer me, how can one person, one newly founded relationship amongst of sea of thousands that have occur in my life have such power of over me? One that I am willing to lie to my friends about just so that I may gain some type of fix, some type of high… all of these intertwining lies, just so that I can be held. And I’ve some how convinced myself that his hands are the only one that will do… its because his hand ARE the only one that will do. No matter how many people I may tell, wheather it be my close friends, or complete strangers, no one will understand. They give me the advice I’d expect, the advice that I possibly would have given myself, but no one says the words I need for them to say. I can’t even tell myself the words I need to hear. In so many ways this isn’t healthy, you aren’t suppose to care so much, or deal with these issues at such a young age, but here I am…

One phone call later, and I’ve fully fallen apart.

PS: Dear Amy Winehouse,
Please stop me from listening to you so much
Love, Elaan

0122

2007-04-04T01:52:47Z

Update time? Sure why not? But I feel like placing it in bullet form:

College (final):
Accepted- FIT, Parsons, BU, Emerson, Manhattan College, & SCAD
Canceled Applications: Pratt & Syracuse
Wait Listed: Fordham
Rejected: NYU
Overall feeling: Jaded
Final : You'll just have to wait and see
Friends: We are in the oddest place ever aren't we? Can't help but feel like my friends hate me, or in the process of growing to hate me.
Love Life: Hit the one month point. came to the cold realization that I am "that girl", and I need to stop.
High School: I am hit with such a bad case of "Senioritist" that it is scary. Hopefully break will give me some energy and focus
Social Life: More people to meet, and more places to go. This spring break it going to be an interesting one
Health: I know that I am slowly on my way to relapsing... and I don't care. found out some tragic news today, that i wasn't able to save a life because of the lack or iron (you know what that condition is called). When I told me mother about this, she wasn't at all surprised
Family Life: Parents convinced something horrible is happening to be due to outside circumstances, and refuse to believe me when I accept responsibility for my actions.

Pictures, because that is what everyone is here for:

Though some of these images are repetative...at least they are somewhat good. I can sleep at night knowing these are out there

Chinese Stars

Celebration

Celebration

Celebration, and the only sightly unfocused picture I'll allow

Favorite albums of the winter (2006-2007)
because you all care so much about the music i listen to

It was a great season for music

0121

2007-03-19T20:16:34Z

I am sitting here, with "scrublands" in front of me, my sketch book to my left and my cell phone to my right. I only have one reoccurring thought in my head, "what am i going to do with all this spare time?" Almost 36 days consecutively in school with these girls, with this crew of amazing personalities that I’ll never see combined again. I don't think there is one person on that crew of 22/23 that didn't make me happy for one reason or another. Despite the fact that there where times where murder seemed like the most viable option, there isn't one moment that i regret. I love these girls with all my heart, and I fear the moment where it is going to catch up with me... that i will never have a play tech moment again. My only goals were: 1) to present a good show and 2) to be a good S.T.D.

I feel like I’ve been having the same conversation with a lot of people, hoping that they can give me some advice. Since the beginning of this month, i feel like i have changed. That I am not myself anymore, I am not that person. It isn't just one thing that has caused me to not recognize myself in the mirror. It isn't just the guy, though i feel that he is the only person in a very long time that i have been completely honest with (despite the fact that he often leaves me with a lost of words). It isn't the final moments of high school, because I have made peace with the fact that i am leaving, and that i will miss that god forsaken building. College is just adding on more stress, trying to figure out if i should be questionably ecstatic for the next four years with a mount of college debts (Parsons), or happy but always wondering "what if" (FIT). I fear getting any more college mail (still waiting on four more schools), and dread the motion of getting anymore accepted letters... there are people who would love to hear a "YES, we want YOU", and I have nightmares about it. I don't think my friends are the reason that i feel different, though i cannot tell if i want to keep some relationship or work on some more before august.... I figure it is a combination of everything, all at once. If this series of events didn't happen, who knows? I have lost a bit of optimism, and have started to care more about myself instead of trying to fix everyone around me. I just don't have energy to be wonder woman to any more problems, and i can't afford to live in a haze of wishful thinking without any true reality. All we've got is...

0120

2007-03-09T00:32:08Z

So. Much. Has. Happend. within the last two weeks. It is scary how much my life has changed, but it was needed.

'

Goal: To take a portrait of everyone on the peter pan Tech crew---------

This is the time in your life, in which you look back with fond memories. I just wish I wasn't so drained, so i could fully live in it.

0119

2007-01-28T03:50:01Z

So after a while of feeling good, a wave of self anger has just consumed me. I am so mad that I didn’t go to the work party (not usually upset with myself). This is just another case of me flaking on my responsibilities, and no one wants to consider themselves flaky. I am also furious that I broke my Polaroid camera and I might even have to get a new one. I hate the fact that I was so completely careless. What there is needed is some semblance of order and self-discipline because I am 50 different places at once, and there is no one to blame but me. By Monday, ever project I can do within that time frame will be done if it kills me.
So onto happier things…
Yesterday was one of the best days of my life. I feel that it was so good that it must be put into list form:
Title of list: What I remember

Picking up Meag. W (also known as the one person who completely cancels out whatever driving experience I may have) to go see Dreamgirls. Getting into the movie without charge, and having the whole theater to ourselves to scream at the screen as loud as we wanted.
Hating Yami for saying that she couldn’t come, but wanting to bring her soup
Going to Duane Reed and paying for the most over price Polaroids ever and hating myself for it
Sitting outside of Michele’s house because I thought no one was home, reading the economist and loving it
The green plastic sheet, and our mock misshapes photos because we are all tools.
Katy and I sitting on Michele’s desk wonder who these people were
Carly and Laura were in coats for a large portion of the night
Going upstairs to find even more people no one knew
Meeting Brian Marr, and by the end of the night loving him.
Meeting a girl who remembered me from speech and debate and that secretly triggered me to get shitfaced
Peter brought two lovely ladies, Colette and Julia, and I loved them by the end of that night… I don’t remember them leaving though. I do remember having too much fun dancing to pit-bull
Beth telling me that we were signed up to play beer pong and me sincerely wondering if there was a sign up sheet.. And Beth going missing for large portions of time.
No one wanted to play kings and I was a little heart broken
I did some kind of guitar playing motion toward holly while peter keep on singing “carry on my wayward sun”
Katy’s car
Sleeping on the kitchen floor twice, and the stair case
I broke my throwing up cherry, and when I took the time to look at my own vomit I noticed that I took in a massive amount of ash.
The cursive drinking game… yeah?
I approved Rob
Someone downloaded “Real Big Fish”
Where is Laura?
Everyone hooking up with everyone.. Let me phrase that differently, there was a lot of love.
People who I never imagined seeing me trashed saw me …trashed
Brittney having obscene words written all over her face… and I having massive amounts of photos
I hugged a lot of people
Jess L. Saying the nicest thing ever to me
I reminded Tim numerous times about his great feat.
Seeing certain parts of people that I shouldn’t have.. And having pictures to always remind me
Laying on Michele’s kitchen floor laughing hysterically to Family Guy jokes.
Josh was there, and he blamed the whole ice-cream thing on Tim. I wanted to say something, but I forgot how to move my legs.
I thought that the whole 2 o’clock hour was a dream, therefore if I thought hard enough I could will myself anything
Misplacing almost everything.
Thinking in Spanish.
People reminding me that I wasn’t the only black chick and I ultimately not caring
Brian F.dancing.
The Hills Have Eyes.

Picture time:

.

SO GOOD!

My life goal is to take as many bad photos of him as posible

JUST FOR BETH

I love my friends. I love my life. I also have a ridiculous craving for cheeze so...

0118 (delete?)

2007-01-16T03:41:40Z

I find myself staring in mirrors constantly, not for vanity's sake, but because I am trying to figure out the person I am becoming (for lack of a better term).
I don't recognize myself anymore and there was nothing to trigger this limbo of sorts. I just woke up and couldn't remember the day I became this person.
To not know how you feel about anything is such a strange posistion. ~~Who am I?~~
This week is going to be so awful. I lost control of myself.
Better Yet: How many people actually read this journal?, because sometimes I feel like I am talking to a wall. It isn't any friends cut, and if I have any lurkers, you can just state something anonymously.

0117

2007-01-02T19:52:28Z

Sorry for the shitty quality of this photo. I have to buy a new Flash and a scanner cleaner.

There are no fucking words to describe how good this break was. I don't think there was one day where I was lonely, or bored (but I did have one where I was upset). I was just happy to be everywhere. I don't know what to say to end it, so pictures. (sidenote- I have become extremely picky when it comes to photos... if you haven't guessed)

There are no words to describe how good the story behind this photo is.

blurry, but I have permission

I have no clue who took this photo because I have no clue what happened between 12:30- 4 AM

or this photo

or this photo

my favorite piece

I honestly wish I took more photos, especially of new years because it was quite a fucking night. I hate that I got close to nothing done.

New Years resolutions: 1.To become more focused 2.To have more passion for everything 3.Get in to college 4.Love Life. Lets see how that works out. OH Even better, lets see if I accomplished any goals from last year:

New Year Resolutions for 2006

To start acting my age- I only get to be this age once in my life, there is no reason to try an act older: Failed, Still act like a mom or a 12 year old boy
To stop being a mother figure and start being a friend Failed
To stop trying to change what I can’t about myself Failed
To start changing was I can about myself Passed
To stop being SO humble/nice Passed, realized that I can be a huge bitch
To start embracing my ego Failed
To not let anger build up ... I didn't get that angry this year so Pass by default
To live up to my potential.... I did , to an extent, so Pass by default
To be more honest with myself Passed
To continue to be somewhat optimistic Passed
To make two good friends Passed, made more than two!
To perfect my craft No, quite there yet, Failed by default
To get a car/ job/ 2 vintage cameras Failed/ Passed (church)/ Passed
To realize that he/she/it/those situations aren’t the end of my world Passed
To learn how to play family politics better Failed
To become close to my grandfather Passed
To go to states again Failed
To stop obsessing over my body and image Failed
To have 3 nights of pure and utter joy without feeling guilty, or thinking negative thoughts Passed
Sleep for a full eight hours Passed
To find a cause and work for it Passed

SO: Passed: 14 Failed: 9. Good year.

0116

2006-12-27T17:53:01Z

When I wake up every morning, alone in my room, i take the time to do a mental body scan. I extend arms above my bed post and work my fingers down, past my hands, to my arms, to my shoulders, to my collar and the neck and so on. I am searching for my bones, my muscle, my fat. I look for every part of me I like, and for each part I want to change. I then roll off and stand in front of my full length mirror and decide if I like myself. I don't know why I am saying this, it doesn't pertain to anything.
Christmas was nice to say the least. It was just so surreal because my parents kept on reminding me that it was my "last good one" during the most random parts of my day. I am nervous about everything. I am so tired of having concepts in my head. I need to get them done. Back to the subject. It is only Wednesday, but break has been good to me. December has been kind to me, unlike other years where I usually break down this month. I blame it on the unusually warm weather, and the amazing people I find the time be with. All I want for the new year is more control and passion for the thing I love.
. -sorry there hasn't been many pictures for those who only read my journal for that. I have a new found love for film, and that takes a bit more time to post for obvious reasons.
-okay on the serious note: RIP: James Brown and Gerald Ford
-These were my most prized gifts for jesus day:

1. Horizon Kompakt 2. Holga Color Flash Camera ( I caved in, I hate how everyone and their uncle has this camera, but I understand why, the possibilities with it are so numerous, why wouldn't you want it?) 3. (My new favorite until I can get a new LC-a... it my just be my new favorite) a Canon AE-1 Program.
You may be asking "How are you going to manage three new cameras?" This question has plagued my mind, along with the new need for film. We'll see how it will work out.

0115

2006-12-24T14:30:43Z

IMG_0493, originally uploaded by iamxsoxtrendy.

Yesterday was a good day.

and yet, I am always the happy one.

0114 (delete)

2006-12-19T04:54:40Z

I think I am falling apart
I am also seeing Glassjaw, how Long Island of me.

0113(delete)

2006-12-10T06:57:48Z

DSC_0563, originally uploaded by iamxsoxtrendy.

What happened here?

0112

2006-12-03T21:34:31Z

File0272, originally uploaded by iamxsoxtrendy.

I think the reason why I hate the winter so much because I have time to think. I know that if you allow my mind to wonder, I become so depressed (that is so sad). It makes me uncomfortable to notice the flaws in others and in myself. This is why I know I am going to thrust myself into my portfolio and artistic endeavors for the next three months.

On a sadder note: My grandfather’s apartment is one of my favorite places. I know it is naive because the area in which he lives isn’t the safest. There is a lot of hustling that takes place, and there aren’t many options for the people who live there. I guess I didn’t want to know how hard it is. Whatever memories of happy times now have a dark blemish. Out side his apartment, two people where shot dead, and inside the complex, on the stairs I ran up and down, someone was killed… all within the same day. I don’t know who the people were, but I fear that I have seem them before… it is eerie… no one was the streets yesterday, but I know in a weeks time, they’ll be out there… working.
… I toyed around with the notion of bring my friends up there to meet some of my family… not so much now.

9. Antony and the Johnsons - I Am a Bird Now
Favorite Tracks: My Lady Story, For Today I Am a Boy, Hope There's Someone
(Peen and Boobs within the first 40 seconds)

8. Peter Bjorn & John - Writer's Block
Favorite Tracks: Young Folks, Lets Call It off, Paris 2004, The Chills, Poor Cow

7. Andrew Bird Andrew Bird and the Mysterious Production of Eggs
Favorite Tracks: A Nervous Tic Motion of the Head to the Left , Opposite Day , Tables and Chairs , The Naming of Things , (To be Honest, I love every track)

6. Out Hud - Let Us Never Speak of It Again
Favorite Tracks: Old Nude, How Long, The Stoked American

5. Peaches- Fatherfucker ,
Peaches- The Teaches of Peaches
Favorite Tracks: Kick It, Operate, Back It Up Boys, Fack The Pain Away, AA XXX, Rock Show.
(Why didn't I see her live!?!?!?)

4.Spoon - Gimme Fiction
Favorite Tracks- Merchants of Soul , Was It You? , The Infinite Pet , (actually, I love every track but " I Turn My Camera On")

3.Thom Yorke - The Eraser
Favorite Tracks: Black Swan, Skip Divided, Atoms for Peace, And It Rained All Night

2. The Mars Volta- Amputechture

(Side Note: This is by far their best album (to me, it is the definition of EPIC) , but the reason why they are not number one is because I am sure that they hate their fans. Every person I have spoke to that saw them with RHCP said that they sucked, which is infuriating because I know how utterly breath taking they can be.)

Favorite Tracks: Tetragrammaton, Vermicide, Meccamputechture, Asilos Magdalena, Day of the Baphomets.
(There are no good clips on You Tube, so deal with this one. Cedric's voice kills me during certain parts)

1. TV on the Radio- Desperate Youth, Blood Thirsty Babes &
TV on the Radio- Return to Cookie Mountain
Favorite Tracks: I Was A Lover, Hours , Playhouses, Wolf Like Me, A Method, Let The Devil In, Dirtywhirl, Blues From Down Here. Tonight, Wash The Day, Dreams, Ambulance, Poppy, Bomb Yourself, Wear You Out.
I should really marry Tunde Adebimpe and have amazing black babies.

If you read this all:
1) Comment if you know any better music, because I am hating my IPod Now

0111(delete?)

2006-11-15T02:13:26Z

File0260, originally uploaded by iamxsoxtrendy.

Isn't life just a series of images that change as they repeat themselves? - Andy Warhol

I love film so much more than digital, and I don't know what to do now that my Lomo is broken.

0110

2006-11-02T04:52:24Z

Nice little picture post.
Large versions of everything on FLICKR

children

grandchildren

great-grandchildren

lol @ Tim's face

0109

2006-10-28T04:05:38Z

More later...